1868-01-28: Missing Piece
Missing Piece
Summary: Putting paint to canvas continues to be a struggle for Emilia, no matter what she tries.
Date: 1868-01-28
Related: Just Emilia Stuff.

The glow from the fireplace helped to give light to the room along with several lanterns as the light of day faded away. The flames causing shadows to grow and dance from the corners of her room, about the couch and chairs….about the easel and the still blank canvas that rested. She heard the whispers within each movement, each shift as the shadows moved within their dance. A soft whispering song to her ears. A cushion of sound upon which They vied against her own thoughts. She could see why none had lasted so long as her with as much of her own mind yet…well..her own. How many times had she just wanted to give up? To retreat , to escape from it all. But hadn’t some part of herself retreated, become lost?

It is not needed. It was weakness. You are stronger now.

It was not that she had lost the skill, Emilia could still paint. Her gaze drifting to the handful of painted canvases that proved that. Attempts to make something suitable for Clara’s requested commission. She knew her friend would accept any of these and not raise question, but there was something missing from them. They were…What had Lon called it the one time…just a copy of something once learned. They would still be sold. There were plenty that would only care that she had been the one to paint the pieces; a thing she was still coming to terms with. But in the end she knew something was missing and that is what mattered.

They see nothing. They never saw. It does not matter.

It did matter, Emilia knew that it mattered. Even before Lon had put words to it. It was more than just a worry about disappointing Clara in presenting her with a piece that was second rate (in her mind), and worse not something that was truly done /for/ her. She knew that night it was important, why else had there been such a need to cleanse herself of it all if They…She…Did not themselves find it to be of great importance. Why now had it become Their focus? Had They not always tolerated that part of her in times past? Even found some amusement in her private pieces?

It was unimportant. It was a distraction. We are better without it.

A sigh slipped as her eyes wandered over the wall. Had it ever been blank for so long? They had barely gotten a few pieces of furniture moved into the rooms when the castle had finally be completed enough for them to move in, and she’d already begun the first if so many murals. Much to the amusement of some. And the chagrin of the masons. Though the finished piece had soothed any ruffled feathers there. One or two had even stopped in over the years to see what else had since taken form. Yet now, it stood blank. Simply a wall, like so many others in the castle. And she had no more luck in changing that then she had when she took to working on canvas.

It is gone. It was imperfection. We are improved.

How many times had she tried? How many extra hours in lessons? Of practicing the many things Lon had taught her? Of going through the techniques Madame ??? had long ago taught her? Nothing had helped her find that piece of her again, to find her way back. Her gaze fell to the near candle and how far it had burnt down. How many other nights had passed with her staring at the blankness and getting nowhere? Emilia shook her head, she would get no further tonight. There was not point to trying to force it. She would find comfort else where this night.

We will got to Her. She will give solace. She will ease the pain.

«No, I have of allowed you to lead me of there to many times of late. I go to of him.» There was no need to say who he was, They had already known, Emilia had no doubt of that. Especially with the surge of complaint and protest that came in a sudden wave. But it was with some turn of pleasure that Emilia soundly 'shoved’ Them back down, causing surprised and added protest on Their part. There had been some benefit to the added practice, even if she had not been able to find that ‘missing’ piece of herself.

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